They say that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Well sometimes it begins with kick in the pants. When faced with divorce, unemployment, and having no faith you begin to wallow in your self-pity. In December of 2009, I came to realize that I was not a great husband, really not even a good one, struggled as a father, had little of the faith that had permeated my life up to my high school years, and completely lacked direction in my life. I began to pray for God to show me the plan for my life. I asked that he give me direction to attain some of the goals that I was sure would soon materialize before me. THEY DIDN'T!!!!
So, I continued to pray for a change. My wife slowly began to see a change in me. My daughter began to see a change in me. I began to understand that God loved me no matter my failings and my short fall of faith. Despite all of these changes, I was still floundering in my work. See, I view myself as a provider. I know that all men want to be the big puffed out chest provider for their family, but my need went deeper than that. I felt like my worth came from my job. I felt like I needed my job just to be Josh. Not SUPER JOSH or GREAT JOSH, I needed it to be just Josh. Work was my drug. The worst part of that drug was that even when I was on my drug, it was not making me happy. I began to consider that possibly my job was the catalyst of the strains taking over my life. I began to say no to some extraneous portions of my job. I began to step away from the grind and examine how I spent my time at work. I found that the reason I felt such a need to do everything at my job was the lack of results that came from it. As a teacher, the results of your work are not immediately shown. You must wait years in some cases to see the fruit of your labor. I was stuck looking for immediate impact and seeing only my own haunted reflection in my kids faces. I saw failure in each eye because I viewed my work as failure.
On Valentines Day 2010, I received an e-mail from my mom, Janet Winrotte. As I began to read her words, a vocation that before had been only a flight of fancy for me became a seed. My mother sowed the idea of applying to be an Indiana State Trooper. I was immediately filled with anxiety and wonder. My mother, who hated guns and the thought of her only son being killed, was suggesting a dangerous vocation in a field that I had considered only in fantasy. All young boys dream of serving as a firefighter, a policeman, or in the military. I was no different, but as I aged my views changed. September 11th, 2001 was the closest that I ever came to joining the military. A friend of mine and I sat outside of a recruiters office and debated whether to join or wait. I remembered my mother and the cost it would have enacted on her if I had joined and knew that finishing college was the direction I needed to pursue, at that time. Since that day, the desire to serve has never left me. When I read of my mother's belief that I would make a good and honorable trooper, Mandee, my wife, and I began to explore the possibility. I called my cousin, whose husband is a trooper, and found as much information about the profession as I could. I researched the net and joined and read every message board I could. The seed began to grow.
I applied to the ISP and was granted a spot in their field of applicants slated to take the written assessment. At the same time Mandee and I placed our house up for sale knowing that if we were to live by faith we had to put everything into God's hands. I began preparing for the physical portion of the ISP testing and made it though several phases of the hiring process. Our house was on the market for several months without any firm offers. I kept my job as a teacher and decided I would place my best effort into teaching if the ISP was not where my life was headed. In July, the final physical testing of the hiring procedure occurred. The contract was about to run out with our realtor and I failed a portion of the physical testing. We returned to Tennessee and began our lives again in August. I managed to keep a handle on my emotions for several weeks until the date came when the new trooper hires were to report for the start of their 7 month training. That day and the day following was very difficult for me as my frustration with my own failure attacked my faith and my voracity for life. With the help of some very good friends and a wonderful loving wife and daughter, I crawled out of my personal pity party and began forging ahead.
In the 5 months since my two day self-pity bender, I have spent a part of the 20th of each month thinking about the trooper trainees that were part of the program and wondering if I did have what it took to be one of them. Mandee and I have talked often about what the future holds. I have read a book about following a lion into a pit that was provided to be by my new grandfather Dick. It reminded me that it is okay to dream big because God is bigger than my infinitesimally small dreams.
The Indiana State Police are hiring again. I have applied, again. There are several churches looking for youth ministers. I have applied, for the first time. I am exploring all options. I have finally opened my eyes to a direction beyond my own, for the first time. I am seeking God's direction first, for the first, but not the last time.
This blog will follow my search for a meaning beyond the second in which we currently exist. I have been lucky enough to receive my second kick in the shorts. This blog is my outlet. I hope that it shows a little of my thought process and a lot of God's love and grace. Occasionally Mandee, my wife, will post. I have invited other important people in my life to post as well. I will end each post with an update on my mental, spiritual, and physical make-up. Thanks for reading and as one of my favorite authors says, I do this for myself and you constant reader.
JOSHWINROTTE
M - Its the beginning of a whole new day
S - God is a thought so immense I can only grasp the fleeting glimpse of overpowering love. Psalms 107
P - 230lbs, 50PU, 100SU, 50Curl, 50Tri, 50Calf, 50Lun
Praying for you, Josh
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